Apple paints the same old fence: impressions from the keynote

The Apple Keynote: a Fresh Coat of Paint on an Old Fence#

I watch Apple keynotes the way you glance at your German neighbor who repaints his fence every spring. Same fence. Just shinier paint.

iPhone 17 Air: Now You Can Slice Bread With It#

So now there's the iPhone 17 Air. Air. Dust. Humanity's plastic salvation. The thinnest one yet — thin enough to slice bread without looking up from TikTok.

Apple Watch Ultra 3: Now Chatting With Satellites#

The Apple Watch Ultra 3 now talks to satellites. Great. Next up, the satellite starts charging you a monthly subscription too.

AirPods Pro 3: Now Doubling as a Cardiologist#

AirPods Pro 3 now monitor your heart. I can already picture the day they announce: "You have tachycardia." I'll take them off, and they'll just keep pounding away in the case.

"Now More Accessible": Translated From Marketing-Speak#

And all of this delivered under the banner of "now more accessible." Translated into human: "You'll manage just fine with last year's phone, broke boy — take out a loan and quit whining already."

Civilization is exhausted, and Apple cheerfully paints yet another fence.

P.S. AAPL is creeping up shakily — I bought in a bit before the keynote.